literature

Stradlin-Rose Production 50

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The shot of the camera was blurry, and as it was brought into focus, Axl Rose’s face was seen, breathing heavily and looking dishevelled. “Er, hey, everyone…now, contrary top popular belief, I have NOT just been fucking my cameraman right now, I-“

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, get on with it!” Izzy Stradlin snapped from his position behind the camera. “If we’re at least gonna make a Production out of this, and our 50th one at that, I kinda wanna STAY ALIVE long enough for it to be over!!!”

“Stop bitching, already!” Axl waved a hand dismissively. “I mean, sure, it’s pretty fucking frightening and all, but-“

“Steven’s on the fucking loose, you douche!” Izzy shrieked. “His chest hair will kill us all! IT’S MULTICOLOURED!!!!”

“Iz, calm down, I-SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!!!!” Axl ran off out of the shot, screaming like a banshee. “HE FOUND US!!! RUN FOR YOUR VIRGINITY!!!! AND YOUR LIFE, TOO, BUT THAT’S LESS IMPORTAAAAAANT!!!!”

“Where??? I-“ Izzy panned the camera to the left, and a snarling, topless Steven Adler came prowling along the corridor, saliva dripping from his mouth. “Ah, eh heh heh…” Izzy began backing away slowly. “H-hey Steve…how are you today…?”

“Oh, me?” Steven’s eyes bulged. “Well, I’m just FINE, Mr. Isbell, apart from the fact that HALF MY FUCKING TEETH ARE GONE and my MOUTH is BLEEDING, yes???”

“Ah, yeah, about that…” Izzy shuffled his feet. “That was an accident. Sorry.”

“You laced my coffee with BATTERY ACID, you CUNTFACE!!!!” Steven howled, bloody spit flying from his mouth. “WHAT DO I DO TO DESERVE THE TORTURE YOU INFLICT ON ME ON A DAILY BASIS???”

“I can answer that.” Axl appeared suddenly next to Steven. “Number One: You were born. Number Two: You’re blonde. Number Three-“

“So’s Duff! Duff’s blonde too!!!” Steven yelled in reply.

“Not naturally, though.” Izzy piped up. “I figured that out when I accidentally used his hair dye instead of my shampoo…”

“Oh, I remember that.” Axl pulled a face at the camera. “I refused to fuck you until it grew out again because you looked terrible.”

“And my ass was so much healthier because of it. Perhaps I should dye it again…” Izzy pondered throughtfully.

“Don’t you fucking dare! You so much as touch that bottle of dye, I’ll give you a homegrown back-sack-and-crack wax!!!”

“So you like your men to be smooth and non-hairy? Excellent, so I just need to grow a beard and I’ll remain unviolated for the rest of my days?”

“Dream on. I’d drag you into that bathroom and shave you myself if I had to.”

“And then you’d rape me in the shower afterwards.”

“How did you know that was just what I was about to say?!” Axl exclaimed, shooting the camera an amazed look.

“I used the art of Satanism.”

“Has anyone forgotten that I’M STILL HERE?!?!” Steven pushed Axl out of the way, a wild look in his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah.” Axl waved him off. “You’re unimportant anyway.”

“FUCK YOU BAILEY!!!!” Steven bellowed, aiming a punch at Axl.

Axl ducked, and began to run again, motioning for Izzy to follow. “Shit, he’s really lost it! SWEET JESUS WE’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE!!!”

Izzy took off after him and the pair raced downstairs, eventually making it to the kitchen, where they slammed the door shut and locked it.

Axl slid down against the cabinet. “Jee-sus…what the fuck are we gonna do, then?”

“What the fuck’re you asking ME for?? You’re the one who put the battery acid in his coffee this morning!”

“YOU’RE the one who came up with it, incase you’ve forgotten, Stradlin!”

“It was YOUR idea to torture him for our 50th Production in the first place!”

“Incidentally, we still haven’t officially started the Production yet.” Axl pointed out.

“Oh. Right, well, go ahead and start then.”

“Cool, well, hello viewers, this is Stradlin-Rose Production Number 50, I’m Axl Rose, and-“

“You’re telling me this was all part of a fucking PRODUCTION?!?!” Duff crawled out from under the kitchen table, eyes wide with fear. “It’s all YOUR FAULT we’re trapped in the fucking kitchen, cowering away from a demented Steven Adler?! I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!!” He snarled like an animal.

“Duff, chill, killing them won’t do any good.” Slash came out after him. “I should have known that you two planned this all along…don’t you have any limits?”

“As far as Steven’s concerned?” Axl blinked at Slash in surprise. “Hardly, Slash, you know he deserves everything he gets.”

“Well, yeah, that may very well be true, but he’s all we’ve got for a drummer, so you should try and be a bit considerate, you know?”

“No, actually.” Axl narrowed his eyes. “I DON’T.”

Izzy giggled. “There’s really no arguing with that logic, is there?”

Slash sighed, and began making himself a cup of coffee. “I give up. Incidentally, there’s no battery acid in this cup either, is there?”

Axl shook his head. “Nah. Torture is reserved for Steven Adlers only. And maybe the occasional Vince Neil. I hate that man, he’s a fat fuck.”

“Here’s a better question for you, Axl...” Duff raised one eyebrow. “Is there anybody you DON’T hate?”

Axl stopped, and stuck his index finger in his mouth, seemingly deep in thought. “…that’s a trick question, isn’t it?” He eventually answered after a long pause.

“Not really.”

“Well, I don’t hate Izzy. But that’s mainly because he’s great in bed, he has a shitty personality.”

“Oh, gee, THANKS.” Izzy interjected sarcastically. “Nice to know I’m LOVED…”

“Anytime, Izzy-chan.” Axl smiled cheerily at the camera. “If we get out of this alive, I’ll make love to you rather than fuck you, okay?”

“…Duff, what are the chances of my life being spared if I go out there and face Steven right now?” Izzy turned to Duff.

“Hm…slim at best, why?”

“No reason…” Izzy trailed off. “It’s not worth the effort…”

“Alright, time to make a phone call.” Axl grinned and produced his iPhone from his pocket. “I’m bored, and probably gonna die today.”

“Ooooo! Call 911! They can help!” Izzy added.

“Don’t think so.” Slash finished making his cup of coffee and sat down on the floor next to Duff. “They’d be more likely to arrest you two than actually do anything about Steven…”

“Aw, damn, yeah, forgot about that…” Axl’s face drooped. “Alright, I’ll call Nikki and say goodbye right now. Motley Crue are in Italy, so there’ll be…” Axl counted on his fingers. “…About 7 hours difference, so it’ll be 9 o’clock in the morning…fuck it, I’ll call anyway.” Axl dialled Nikki’s number and put it on loudspeaker.

Pretty soon, a groggy and pissed-off Nikki Sixx answered the phone. “Who th’fuck’s this? Better be important, or you’re fuckin’ dead…”

“Nikki? It’s Axl, you know, from GnR?” Axl gave a thumbs-up to the camera.

“Uh…Axl? No way, man, that’s impossible. The REAL Axl knows I’m only available between the hours of 12pm and 6am…WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH AXL ROSE, YOU FUCKER?!?!?!” Nikki screamed down the phone.

“Nikki, calm the fuck down, It’s the real Axl, I’m calling to say goodbye…forever.”

“Eh?” Nikki sounded confused. “What the fuck’re you on about?”

“Well, Steven’s lost it, and he’s ready to kill, so I’m just saying goodbye, and that you’re really cool, and that it was me who crapped on the hood of your Lamborghini, sorry.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there.” Nikki cut in. “You’re telling me that you’re afraid of STEVEN?? Steven Adler, who you torture on a daily basis, beat to a fucking pulp on an hourly basis, and verbally abuse on a minutely basis…he loses his temper and you fucking flip and fear for your life? What kind of pussy ARE you, man?!”

“Hey…” Comprehension dawns on Axl’s face. “I never thought of it that way. Thank you, Nikki, I love you, man! Tell Tommy and Mick I say hi, and tear Vince a new pussy for me while you’re there, yeah?”

“Sure, man, anytime….wait, what was that thing about crapping on my Lamborghini?”

“Er…” Axl looked around in worry. “That wasn’t me. It was the dude from Poison. Kay, talk to you some other time!” He hung up on Nikki and let out a long sigh, his face full of determination. “Right…that fucker is going down!” He snatched a kitchen knife from the worktop and heared for the door.

“I’m coming with you.” Izzy followed him with the camera. “If you get mauled to death, I’m putting it on YouTube.”

“Just for that, I won’t make love to you when this is all over.”

“Yay! A splendid achievement!” Izzy jumped up and down, shaking the camera in the process.

“Shut up and be quiet. I want to be sly about this.”

“Axl, the word “sly” doesn’t exist in your dictionary, unless it has the word “painful” before it and “fuck” after it.”

“Oh, hilarious, you could give Billy Connolly a run for his money, you could.”

“Yes indeed.”

“Anyway, let’s go Adler-hunting.” Axl dropped to his knees and crawled along the hallway, brandishing the knife and whispering maliciously. “Steeee-ven…oh Steeee-ven…”

“I don’t think he’s here…” Izzy spun the camera round 360 degrees to take a look. “Did he go outside?”

“We’d have heard him if he had. Let’s check the living room.” Carefully, Axl pushed the living room door open, and waved the knife around. “Aha!” He pointed at a heap behind the couch. “Found him!”

Izzy moved closer to him, and zoomed in for a better shot. “God, he stinks.” He wrinkled his nose. “He smells like something’s dead and rotting. He must have worn himself out, or something…”

“We should be so lucky.” Axl pointed at his chest. “He’s still breathing. Come on, I have a plan now.”

“Oh, NOW you have a plan?” Izzy asked sardonically. “Well, isn’t that just fucking BRILLIANT??”

“Absolutely. Go for a commercial break, I wanna surprise our viewers when we return!” Axl grinned at the camera, and did his best to look mysterious.

“How many times do I have to remind you that no-one watches these?”

“How many times do I have to remind you that if you don’t shut up, I will make you shut up by sticking my cock in your mouth?”

“…Just the once.”

“Good boy.” Axl smiled. “Commercial Break. Now. I’m Axl Rose, the host, and we’re taking a break.”

“Ugh…I’m Izzy Stradlin, and I’m treated like a little bitch in this house…” Izzy complained.

“Ah, but you’re MY little bitch, Izzy-chan.” Axl smirked pervertedly.

“Whatever.”

*

The camera came back on again, and Axl was seen poking a shape in a cage with a big stick. “Welcome back, everyone.” Axl waved at the camera with his free hand. “Axl here, trying to wake up this fucking animal in the cage.”

“Isn’t that a violation of human rights?” Slash asked, watching Axl poke the figure repeatedly. “Imprisonment against one’s will?”

“Who gives a fuck?” Izzy answered. “I’m enjoying this. Izzy here, by the way.”

“Ah, the Kraken awakes!” Axl gives the victory sign to the camera as the figure stirs, and Steven’s bleary eyes blink out of the semi-darkness of the cage, “Wh-what…what’s happening?”

“Good evening, Steven.” Axl continued to poke him with the stick. “Now, you may remember that you got a bit angry earlier on, and threatened to kill us repeatedly. Well, in this house, we don’t tolerate death-threats, so you are being punished.”

“What the fuck?! Stop that!” Steven attempted to grab the stick. “The only reason I threatened to kill you was because you put battery acid in my coffee, you bastard!”

“Yeah, but you deserved that.” Axl began poking him harder. “And I’m gonna keep this up all fucking night until you’re well-and-tru-ly sor-ry for-what-you’ve-done!” Axl began stabbing Steven with the stick in between syllables. “Be-cause-you-know-you-de-serve-this-pu-nish-ment-you-cunt.”

“If that’s the case, I’m gonna end it there then.” Izzy walked up to the cage and got a close-up of Axl stabbing Steven with the stick. “Stradlin-Rose Production Number 50 has come to an end. I’m your cameraman, Izzy Stradlin, for whom everyday is a difficult battle to keep my virginity…” Izzy spun the camera round and pouted.

“Stop being emo. I’m Axl Rose.” Axl tugged the camera back round with his free hand and widened his eyes. “And I’m giving this fucker what he deserves. What do you say to the nice camera, Steven?”

“FUCK YOU!!!” Steven screamed in agony. “YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!!!”

“That’s the spirit!” Axl waved. “Goodnight!”
Wow. I finally decided to get up off my ass and write again...?

Anyhoo, this is the Steven's Revenge one I was going on about, but I'm stuck at what to do next...any ideas, nyone?
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OOzzyRain's avatar
Wow; I love these stories; they always put a smile on my face. XD